Happy new year!!!!!
We’re going to pretend that today is still January 1st 2014.
DISCLAIMER: I have crap grammar. I have horrible punctuation skills. Auto correct is virtually useless when it comes to my writing. I will most likely use profanity. And if I insult any one too damn bad. (But the odds of that are probably slim to none.) hopefully….. ALSO I RAMBLE.
My name is Chelsea. I’m 25 years old, married, mother of 2 little girls and I’m holding nothing back!
I have always been the sort of woman to bottle every thing up until I have a nervous breakdown and cry for 2 days straight. (I love a good tear-fest) Something with this new year has moved me to change that, along with a few other things. This blog was suppose to be me documenting my journey to a healthy life style. My way to inspire strangers. That’s all I’ve ever really wanted to do, inspire people one way or another. Then as I tried thinking of a way to start I figured the best place to start was the beginning. So here it is. My sorta memoirs.
I have seen very dark days.
I was raised by my loving but stern grandmother. I was the product of a drug dealing crackhead and a man from Guadalajara, Mexico who I’ve met a handful of times and managed to flinch any time I tried to call him father, dad or papa. I moved well over 20 times and have seen very few places worth seeing. I’ve been hurt physically and mentally. I know what is like to be forgotten, bullied, rejected, disgraced and UNWORTHY.
I know true pain.
It was tough. I learned hard lessons at an early age and I’m the better for it. I feel that I would not have been the woman I am if it hadn’t been for the girl I was. I know it sounds cliche forgive me.
My mother was always in and out of my life. In and out of prison and rehabs. Always owing somebody money. Always forgetting she was suppose to take me to the park or come visit with me at grandmas. When she would come to pick me up id end up at some cantina where she’d be asking her “victim” of the week (that’s what she would call the men that unknowingly supported her drug habit) for money to feed me, even though my grandmother did what she could to keep me well fed at all times. Grandmas are good at that.
I loved my mother unconditionally. She was the single most important person in my life. I cried so much for her to come home. I’d wait on the door steps for her to come get me. I’d walk up and down the street hoping I’d run in to her. She was my world. I didn’t understand I was merely her means to supply her habit.
Fast forward to me as a 15 year old junior in high school. I’m living in New Mexico I have great friends I’m hundreds of miles alway from her and her drama. The whole world is at my feet.
My grandma tells me I’m moving back to Texas to live with my mother.
I cry…ALOT. I move to Texas a mere week later surprise surprise my mother is selling drugs out of her apt….. FABULOUS! I don’t say anything. My grandmother is old and I don’t think it’s right that I worry her. A few months later we’re evicted. Move to another apt……evicted again …..move to a 3rd apt…..evicted AGAIN!! I’m a senior in high school and living in a crack house/hotel! Fun times. A friend offers me a place to stay and finish out school and I jump at the offer. My mom puts up no fuss.
Between then and now I have a child too young, fall in love with the WRONG guy, make amazing friends, leave wrong guy, fall in love with the RIGHT GUY, Get married, have another baby enjoy life, drink wine, laugh a lot, play with my kids, eat too much and gain 55 lbs. GO ME!
Also a ton of other bullshit with my mom that luckily leads to her getting literally slammed in the face by some thug with a fire extinguisher at a crack house. Which knocks some sense into her and she is officially 2 years sober! Go mom! And we have a somewhat healthy mother daughter relationship. YAY!
Back to the gaining 55 lbs part.
Mid last year i realized that I gained a significant amount of wight and that needed to change. Took a while but I went from 225 to 208 as of today.
I have started participating in the sisterhood of the traveling pants 6week boot camp challenge. They suggested blogging on here to document my journey and here I am. Writing in hope that one of you lovely people may find it helpful, relatable, or worthy of your time.
I have felt unworthy for far to long. Even with everything that I have been blessed with here still that voice in my head saying I’m not worth the effort. I wasn’t worth my moms sobriety. I wasn’t worth my fathers time. I wasn’t my exes kindness. I’m not worth feeling good about my self.
But that changes now. I have fought for so long for so many reasons. Today I fight for me. Today I fight for my self worth. Today I fight for yours.
I am worthy.
You are worthy.
With all the love my heart can send you,
Chelsea Dazzels 😉
“All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring